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I assure you
So, yeah, Deep Thought Whine really touched upon a lot of, um... interesting topics. One of those was how a relatively insignificant little phrase can turn into a really annoying writer's tick. Who knows the mysteries of the phrase "I assure you"? Is it an in-joke, like 47? Is it an insight into how a person that says "I assure you" should NEVAR be trusted? Or were the writer just smoking too much reefer...? We may never know... FOARShadowing The first appearance of Marc Alaimo as a Cardassian was as Gul Machete in "The Warrior" on TNG. After his assistant, Glinn Penn&Teller, tried to HAXXOR the Enterprise computer, Gul MACE was all like to captain Pickaxe, "I deeply regret (while his fingers were crossed behind his back - WATCH THE EP) what my aide has done, cap'n. '''YOU HAVE MY WORD' he will be disciplined upon my return." Then towards the end of the ep when cap'n nose-Picker is telling griMace that the Cardassian cargo runs were suspicious, Macet was all like, "''Captain, '''I assure you'..." and then Baldy was like, "talk to the hand." As loyal fans, we should have seen this coming right then and there. Appearances of the Phrase Season 1 Episode 1: The Emissary (or was it 'A New Hope'? or maybe 'the Phantom Menace' *groan*) When Gull-wing Dukat walks into the Sizzle's office. The Duck-it says he misses his old office. Benny snaps Duck-o and says he can come back any time he's feeling homesick. Then the Gull says: ''"you're very gracious. And '''allow me to assure you' that we only want to be helpful in this difficult transition."'' And so the saga begins. As if that wasn't enough, someone ELSE says it AGAIN!!!! And guess who? It's not whom you might have expected - I assure you! So Gully Jasad comes a'lookin' for Dookie after he disappears in the wormhole. And Kira is all like, "He disappeared into that hole thing" And Jasad is all, "We do not accept your explanation. Somehow you have destroyed our warship" And Kira's is all like, (think pretty think pretty think pretty) "Gul Jasad, '''I assure you -'"'' And Jasad is like, ZIP IT!!! "We demand the unconditional surrender of this space station or we will open fire (and bust a cap in your ass.)" So you see, Kira had her trap shut by that Cardassian (see, they're not all bad. another lesson from DTW.) Episode 4: A Man Alone At the end of the episode, when Ibustan-hiding-as-Sean-Connery is confronted by Mr. Putty, he tries to act as though he is innocent: "''I assure you, you are in error." Then Bendy is all, "um, no." And pulls his mask off a-la-Scooby Doo. (i am NOT making this up) Episode 6: Captive Pursuit So Lafayette is handling a complaint from one of Quirk's dabo girls about how her contract tells her she has to stick her finger in her boss's ear or some such thing. And the Sisko says, "''I'm not a legal expert either, but '''I can assure you' after I talk to Quark he won't hold you or anyone else to this provision concerning the exchange..." and then Kira pushes along the plot. Beginning to detect a pattern, are we? Episode 7: Q-Less As Quack auctions off Rash's relics, Q tries to spook the bidders by telling them that the DTW space station is in danger. Quack then says, "''uh, ladies and gentlemen, '''I assure you' everything is under control!" Like he even knows what's going on, much less can do anything about it. He then goes on to offer the bidders free liquor and sex, thereby following the 765th rule of acquisition: drunk clients are good clients. Episode 9: The Passenger At the beginning of the episode, the jailer-lady says, "''Don't go in there!" and Dr. Jerkowitz, always the hero, says, "''I assure you, in this condition he's of no threat to anyone!" How wrong he was... Doctor Basher goes on to say, "''Ms. Kajada, '''I assure you', he is dead." So much for thinking out of the box. That's the thing about Truck Stop Nine: the characters are not Mr. Perfectly-Pressed-Pants, like Kirk, or even Mr. Philosophah with a charming intellectual accent, like Picard. They're all pretty flawed. The doctor, for example, is quite a preening egotist. The problem, of course, is that who wants to watch a bunch of jerks? Hey, if I wanted flawed people I'd watch reality TV. You know how they say, "Third Time's a Charm"? Well, it isn't. When Trip Tucker's great-great-great-great-great-grandnephew starts talking to Oh-no about security arrangements for the incoming deuridium shipment, their conversation goes something like this: "hyuk hyuk! Hardy har! How about showin' a-me whatcha got! and we'll see 'f dere's anythan' we kin werk with! yee-hog!" And Mr. Putty replies, "''Lieutenant you're welcome to see my plans but '''I assure you' I've taken every precaution regarding the shipment." A few moments later his KUMPIUTAR gets pwned by a guy who is dead. Yep... Episode 12: The Vortex So Siskasso has Cretin in custody back on his gas station. He goes to visit Cretin's home world for giggles. On arrival, Haggar greets the Siskasso and tells him that Cretin is already in a deep vat of trouble. The Siskasso tries to tell Haggar that Cretin must first be tried back at the pump on the gas station. Then Haggar says: "''Tried? Cretin has already been declared guilty in absentia for myriad crimes on this world. That judgment supercedes your charges. Return him, and '''I can assure you' his punishment will be appropriate to your crime as well as ours." (Just as a side note: who played Haggar? A loaner from a loony bin? Srsly. A muppet would have put in a better performance.) Episode 19: Duet (working title: Fa La La Liar) The Shaft is chatting with Duck-Sauce on Skype, trying to get an ID on Marritza. The good Duct-or says, "I assure you, commander, you don't need our assistance getting his ID. Haven't you checked his wallet?" Then, later, Mr. Putty tries to get info on Gul Door-Heel using cardassia.google.com. Ducatti calls back and says, "''I regret that I cannot give you access to any of the files pertaining to Gul Darheel. But '''I assure you', the files would only tell you what I am telling you: Gul Darheel is dead." Season 1 Summary Number of occurrences of the phrase: 11 Number of times Duck-it said it: Season 2 Episode 1: The Homecoming Ms Haircut rescues Lee Norris (Chuck's brother. ''Worth noting how uncanny that Chuck's reputation eventually grew to match that of his brother.). Upon returning to the gas station, Ms Haircut fully intends to go into conniptions in front of The Sisko about how a bunch of Floormats were held captive on a spoonhead planet. She walks into her boss's office, to find Duck-it chatting over Skype with the Sisko. Duck-it blathers about how he didn't know there were still floormats held prisoner there, saying: "We had no idea that Bajoran prisoners were still being held on Cardassia 4. Such detentions are a direct violation of Supreme Directive 2645. And '''I assure you' the camp prefect will be chastized accordingly - with a slap on the wrist, a "too bad they left" party and a few swigs of kanar." Also worth noting that "The Homecoming" was the first of a three-part story arch, the first such arch in Deep Thought Whine (although preceded by the "Best of Both Worlds" / "Family" arch in The Vexed Generation) - demonstrating that DTW would not only be teasing its audience with half-completed stories, but also finding ways to weave the "I Assure You"'s together into an annoyingly coherent narrative. This also marks a longer term strategy on the part of The Writers to do what TVG could not do: make long stories. To wit: the SEVEN episode story arch when the Cardies re-took the gas station in season six, and the NINE episode story arch at the end of the series. Close Calls Sometimes a line is uttered that is similar in nature to those three little words that mean oh so much. The writers ain't foolin' anyone. "'YOU HAVE MY WORD'" - see TNG: The Warrior, this article, section "FOARSHADOWING" "'I GIVE YOU MY WORD'''" - in season one's "Duet" episode, where Miss Haircut wants to pwn Marritza. She promises The Sisko she'll be gentle. I give you my word.